sweet boots, man

Today, we are abandoning the usual high brow insights that SBM has been somewhat committed to. We are going to talk about the dormant creativity that is in all of us. Cutting ass is a time honored tradition shared by almost every man alive. Maybe a few women. The creativity is said to be in the execution. I disagree. I believe that the creativity lies in the naming of the execution. If you have never thought "Larrying" was funny or laughed at a friend's story of a botched attempt that ended in a mess, stop reading now.

Yes. I called it "Larrying"...

I don't know how everyone else classifies their cutting of ass, but around here at the Maiden Lane APT, they are classified by what they sound like. Here is a short list of what Danny and I have witnessed.

1. A Midget Shuffling Cards Under Water - Truth be told, I didn't witness this one for myself. It was identified by Danny in the shower. It was originally called shuffling cards under water. I added the midget because, honestly, what's funnier than that visual?
2. A Duck Crying Freedom - Inspired by the 1987 Richard Attenborough classic, Cry Freedom. It's usually a two parter, with act 1 being high pitched and the finale sounds more like a thud. It should literally sound like a Duck crying the word, FREEEE-DUM!
3. Ripping Canvas - In college, I would have to go to Varney's to buy canvas to paint on. You would imagine that they cut it for you. You would be imagining wrong. They actually make a small incision, then tear it the rest of the way through. The resulting sound is comprable to cutting ass in the morning after eating a steak dinner. These usually hurt a little.
4. The Punch Bowl Full of Brownie Mix - Ever been accused of shitting your pants? It's because it sounded like you stuck your ass into a punch bowl of uncooked Brownie Mix and pushed. The sound could also be mistaken for cracking ass onto a cookie sheet covered with a thin layer of olive oil (preferably virgin).
5. The Ghost Heater - For as long as The Ghost Heater lasts, it is silent. The Ghost Heater must last at least five seconds. Or long enough that your pants are suddenly very warm. Also known as the "Hot Pants."
6. The asdf - If you slowed it down, that's what it would spell in Morse Code. Usually caused by laughing or running mid push.
   
7. Natural Birth - Another term for cutting ass in the shower. The title came about when Danny and I were pondering why "Larry" is more powerful in the shower. The answer is simple. Natural Birth. Draw your own conclusions.
8. The Jared Anderson - Any episode that takes place in the dark. Just like Jared used to do in the pledge dorm at KSU. The beauty of the Jared Anderson is that it can be blamed on anybody.
   
9. The Flash Bang - A Jared Anderson over a flame. If done correctly, it should light up the room, disorienting any spectators.

There are more that I'm sure that I have missed. I'm sure that I will be hit with many more after this post goes up. In the meantime, enjoy this...



Pretty unbelievable that I'm single, isn't it.