sweet boots, man

We were on our way out the door. Technically, it was an elevator, but that's not the point. After much debate, we were finally moving closer to a downtown bar for a couple of beers outside. Suddenly, Tim's phone was violently vibrating in his pocket. He took out his phone, examined the number, flipped it open and quickly the mood changed. I could tell by the way he was on phone, it was his fiancee. I could also tell that that there was something wrong. Tim had done something wrong. "What's up?" I asked.

"Uh... I... We... There was this wedding, right," Tim paused and looked at a female co-worker that wasn't really paying attention anyway and finished, "I'll tell you later."

Let's back up. Who is Tim? Tim was born in a small town in New Jersey. So small, in fact, I've already forgotten the name of it. We will call it Bon Jovi Springs. Tim is a writer and once shared an office with Marv Albert. Bobby Holik once called Tim a "fucking idiot" for almost killing him using only a wireless mic, scaffolding and studio lights. During a Patrick Ewing press conference, Tim almost got into a fist fight with Melissa Stark. I'm not making any of this up. I am simply not that clever. So, who is Tim? Tim is a colorful guy with many stories that make you laugh until you shit.

Back to the story.

Tim was in trouble because he did what he thought was right. We've all been there. You're drunk at a wedding and the cameraman is trying to be fun while taking family pictures and yells out the dreaded words, "Okay everybody! Now a funny one!" For those of you that have never been in a group photograph, "Now a funny one" means do something other than just stand there grinning like a retard. It means have fun, let loose, show everybody your sense of humor. The old bunny ears trick was born out of this situation. Tim is a visionary, though. Bunny ears are old news. Tim took it up a notch.

"I gotta call my fiancee's cousin and tell her to not print that picture. They want to put it in their wedding album. Her family won't think it's funny." Tim was explaining the situation to us. The first thing that crossed my mind was that this was nothing. A few of you readers were probably lucky enough to witness the most awesome swamp donkey sighting at a wedding ever. At the union of Joe and Candy Shum, our good friend Jonny Stunts was shirtless, knocking people over by doing cart wheels on the dance floor, pausing only to hit on all of the married women from behind the wine bar that he jumped over. At one point or another during the night, Jonny was touched on probably every drunk 'don't' ever written. By the end of the night we thought we were going to have to shoot him with a tranquilizer dart to get him to leave. The irony there is that if you know Jonny, you know that when he is drunk, he looks like he has already been shot with a tranquilizer dart. Anyway, I am quite astute when it comes to wedding craziness. What Tim did was tame in my book. Then again, look at the book I'm used to reading. This was a big deal to Tim because he's about to be married and you don't want your future family to think that you are a deranged short bus strap hanger. Tim and Beth's decision to prevent the picture from being seen by the cousin's father by destroying it is a valid one. However, it is a crime to rob the general public of comedy gold. Ladies and Gentlemen...